In loving memory of my beloved wife

Last week I added two new gadgets while thinking to dispose off the existing monster laptop which bought in Feb 2008. It was bought at the eve of the CNY and we also had some quarrel over some matter on the occasion of reunion meal. I said next time I do not want to be so late for the reunion gathering meal... and yes I got it as I will never be late as I will be alone.

I had bought a mini laptop so as to use it whenever outdoor for web surfing. I also added a new gaming gadget for kids. This time is the Nintendo Wii. But after a while, the kids lost the interests and prompted me to re-deploy it soon.

I also thought of renovating the room, the masterbed room. I would like to have a custom floor sitting extended table just at the side the bed. After all, this will be my new workstation.

I am getting more and more careless. While reversing the car, I did not aware that there was a tree remain (which could not be viewed from the rear mirror) at back and thus hitting it resulted the entire bumper being pulled down and dropped off.

If this happened at night time, I could have blamed myself for not seeing in dark. However, this took place at noon time while the sun was at zenith of my head. At last, I need to manual "hang" it to the car with its original bracket still in place. When I drove the car to the Nissan service center, I was informed that they did not provide mudguard service as they only know how to change filter and replenish lubricant. Else nothing more... WTF? a service center without the capability to service the car?

Finally, I did it myself with trying to align the bumper with its right bracket and I hope it can survive for a few more days before I can locate the right service guy.

Another key lessons of the day

1) Cannot assume. Thing that does not see or cannot see, it really does not mean no hidden danger

2) A service center does not provide full car maintenance service but only filter and lubricant change

3) Always need to be resourceful and smart for work around.

What a bad day for me. I am definitely looking forward to dose off the car now!

At the moment of writing this blog, I had not been slept for more than 28 hours. This is due to the continuous "team building" through the physical inventories count. It was indeed a fun and good event to locate the parts inside the main store, receiving etc.

Team work is really the matter of success in such cycle count.

After this, I would like to have a good hot shower and rest for a few hours before I pick up the kids as I had not been seeing them for more than 48 hours..

I am truly upset with the progress of the political in my beloved country. There is just scandal after scandal without any offer of help to the country economy. Personal attack and privacy intrusion is everywhere.

Where is Malaysia moving to be? I want stable politic and healthy growth of economy. Am i asking too much?

These two days were quite disturbed. Not only because of the un-welcome uncertainty progress of work, i was also somehow bothered by some bitter sour comments. I truly understood the comment objective and everyone deserve one's right to choose his/her choice of method to handle some memory, be it some happy sweet memory or bitter sad rememberance.

But there is something I learned, one can never live in hatre. If one live in hatre, then whatever once used to be sweet memory will gigantisize to unforgettable pins in heart as it always bother. When there is no more love or affinition, whatever once used to be the sweetest moment turned to be the haunted curse.

This is true. When there is love, even the fart is smelled as sweet. When the love is gone, even honey will be tasted as bitter vomitting favour.

Bottomline, is how you treat others and think of other, you will get the same reaction. No one wants to be challenged or intruded.

Rest in peace. Nobody owe you something and you do not owe anyone anything. It takes two to tango. I hope I will always remember this learning.

2/14. Valentine day. It was a day crafted by business genius to seize profit by making full use of the event which suppose to mean for thoughts of the loved one. I can bet almost if not all business are grabbing this golden day for business. Restaurant and gifts & flower shops must be full of orders.

I did not buy you any flowers nor any gift when visiting you. I really hope you were not the same as of those who "greatly showing-off" with the gifts or flowers on their arms while walking meaninglessly inside the mall. I also could not remember if we did really celebrate any Valentine day. But every now and then, we were together without failure and I believed every moment of us together will be our valentine days.

At night, I had both kids as my accompany for the golden Valentine night. I informed the kids that tonight was Valentine nights and explain the meaning to them. And they gave me two rare questions which I choked on words to reply them... "why mommy is not with you?" "why you do not have a valentine?"

It took an extended moment to get us served with the orders although we were clever enough to dine at a normal "kopitiam". While waiting, the kids asked why there were so many dressed up girls and walking around. I followed their eyes and start observing... ya, there were quite a number of couples and the girls were "slightly" dressed up. It was a night for thoughts of the other half and I wish all couples will be granted with happiness and I wish the couples after tonight will understand more of the meaning of relationship and rommance. It was not meant as to show off with how exclusive the dinner was, how many flowers received, what gifts presented, what cars the guys are driving, how handsome is my boyfriend etc. Valentine means the thoughts of other half at any occasion.

I texted a few friends of mine and I was delighted as I was still manage to get responses.

After all, it was just another night without any special meaning without you around. But I will remember you have given me a special gift and I deeply know I was the one you fully in love. And I already have a great valentine. And she is you.

Thankyou my dear SooKing, my wife.

At the eve of Valentine, you "planned" a secret gift which delivered to me quietly. If I were given a choice, I would like you to be beside me instead of a gift.

I really appreciated your thoughts of me and our family.

I thought I had adapted and re-aligned without crying... After all, I am still crying. I miss you!

On the 15th of the Lunar calendar or the last day of the Chinese Spring Festival, I had a mistake of calling a friend. I did not aware of the time and thus shocking the person from sleep. I was then felt terribly sorry for waking up my friend. I was sorry for causing such trouble of awaking the person. I am sorry for the call and interruption.

At night, I was fortunately to have another friend accompany me with tea and chiness chess playing. It was indeed a relaxing night although disturb with some thoughts.

This week, I finally managed to align back my life as to be before your departure. Although there is still loneliness and uncomfortable (due to no companionship) but I found myself had begun adapting to this new life. After all, the only difficulty is that I do not need to "report" and thinking of this will always make me blue as if I myself was deserted.

I used to drink a glass of wine or two now at night. And more importantly, I wish I can have myself focus and re-invent my ambition.

There has been so many "notes" to me that I had lost the previous "arrogant" of me.

Am I really arrogant?

My dear, you were with me at the formation of new government in Perak state after the last election. And now not after a year later, a new government is to be formed with the different members who we had selected to be out of the state ruling agents.

This time around was due to a-three not worth to be named highly purely politicians of personal gain defection. Due to this defection, the goverment shift hand and we, Perakian are under the same group of ruling agents again after we voted them out of the DUN.

Defections are everwhere!

Today is a sad day as the plot used only tell us one thing. Personal gain is on top of every other mean

Democracy, rest in peace!

It was a quiet day and night after all, although I received some birthday greetings through SMS. Someone asked what would be my birthday wishes. I replied that there are no more wishes.

I would want to thank a friend who texted me at far with more than ten of thousands miles away. I also appreciated a friend who bought me a cake. I felt warm when some friends called me although I did not have chance to response.

There is at least a call I could never receive.

There is at least a call I could be receiving.

There is at least a call

So what would leave for wishes without this call.

It was the Chinese Spring Festival again or commonly known as Chinese New Year. It marked the arrival of the year of Ox. I started of the Ox year with another greatest shock of all.

The new year break did not seem to be a different days of all. Normally, the break also meant "resting and sleeping" occasions for me. I usually try to "hide" from the crowd of the new year break. It was the same for this year with only different of I was inside my room.

So, I pray to GOD for granting me an angel, who will be my real guardian. or may be my angel is looking from above with tears...

"It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness
Oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here"

In the arms of the angel, fly away from here..

With a recommendation of a friend, I had brought the elder to a music school, accessing if he would be interested to have some times to be invested to musical learning. He was indeed nervous as this was the first session of an introduction. I could see him excited but really nervous.

I believed because of the influence of the passionate music tutor, he committed to start learning. I never learn music but I believed with the elder involvement, I would need to pick up some so as to accompany him as a continuous inspiring factor.

I also remembered you once commented wanted to have them to learn music and I hope you will be with the elder whenever he has his practise.

On last Friday night, at entering the house, my phone rang. Apparently it was a call to invite me for a drink at a local bar. HOUZ as the name of the bar. I said ok as I had nothing to do at home. And so I drove to the bar. On the way, there was a police road block and in my heart I said there was nothing wrong with my car and myself.

Nevertheless, the police blocked me and informed me I indeed had an expired roadtax. WTF? I forgot the car insurance and road tax expired on 1/1/2009 and I had been driving it without any coverage of insurance! This was really the first absent minded event for myself! How could I really forgot such simple task, i.e. to renew the road tax and insurance.

On this night also, I marked my birthday to the calendar of the iphone so as to remind my birthday. I also started to list down all the important day of event of myself and family. After all, I am the only only to remind myself now.

I had a minor car accident and I believed you knew the reason. I will need to beg your pardon on this. There was nothing wrong except I got too emotional. Only the car suffered but not me.

The start of new year does not seem to have any changes to me yet. I had some ambitions set and will push forward for them.

I also would like to have a full medical check after the Chinese New Year, perhaps sometimes in February. I will pray for nothing mentally or physically wrong as well.

Today is the new start of the year 2009. I had not been sleeping well on the eve of the new year. It was not due to any reason, but I was indeed disturbed by some matters which played in my heart and mind.

The eve also marked the last day of myself on this sorrow year. I wish I will be able to have face-off to begin the new year. I still remember the event and you. But instead, I would want this to be as an episode of my life which I will never forget but remain as my sweetest memory to have met you and married you. I remember!

The eve, I also "thick-skin" enough to have a "free" dinner on a frined of mine, with whose son 's birthday on the new year. I was also drunk some wine so it may help me to have some better sleep at night of the eve. Nevertheless, the wine never did the task. I was not going out anywhere on the eve after the dinner but to strict home and rest on bed. I could hear the fireworks even from my room and it marked the arrival of the new year. Will I be able to start the new year with a new hope? I do not know!

Haven't been able to sleep for the night, I woke up to have the morning walk for half an hour but having the iphone with Kenny-G together. After the walk, I would require to be at the phone booth as today also marked the opening day for the phone booth in a local mall. There were plentiful of people and the mall was kind of a busy haven, but my heart was not really on the phone business today eventhought it was a really important day for the business. I felt something missing and this really bother me.

I did not visit you today on this new year. Would you angry with me? But I believed you will understand as I had mentioned to you. Dear, do you?

I was awakened by a phone call and somehow it was a call which worth to be awaken.

There was nothing special on this Christmas. It was merely another day of rest. Nevertheless, I am thankful for the thought of friends for an afternoon tea times for a short gathering for "blowing water" (cantonese: which mean nonsense talks)

Today is the eve of the 2008 Christmas. The kids are with grand parents for some form of gathering holiday celebration. They always enjoy the party or gathering.

I, however did not have plan of any outing on this eve. I just wish to be at home quietly doing some of my personaly stuffs. Sometimes the best times did not need to be grand and with noisy function. I do not know if I am really growing elder as I started avoiding noisy venue.

Tonight, I will have the CD player turn on with Kenny G saxyphone music as accompany.

Today is the Winter Soltis, it is an important date for most Chinese. It also symbolized the spring will be only around 1 month away. All lifes will be re-energized after 1 month when the Spring Festival arrived.

This year would mark the first Winter Soltis without you. However, I did not remembered previously how did we spend this date, but all I ever know was we were together althought no celebration or prayer session. The kids are with their grand parents as they are always overjoyed at the old hut. And so I granted two nights of "vacations" to them while I were at Ipoh.

At night I tried some of the first of my life... 1) walking without objective at the mall 2) finished reading a book in 15 minutes 3) bought two music CD and listened to them. The feeling was strange but I am getting adapted to it soon.

As a matter of fact, I burst into tears again at 2am when hearing some songs. But I could soon regain the control but I promised myself that I would not forget you. Earlier, I had a thought. I decided that whenever I buy a new car, the first drive, I will be with you. I will drive the car with you. The seat will be for you at the first drive.