In loving memory of my beloved wife

I had earlier the night with steamboat BBQ and at the time of leaving, I started feeling stomach upset and my guess was right... I had food poison! At arrival to home, I went to the toilet twice with continuous purging. This really made me exhausted.

I tried to meditate to battle the pain which start to intensify at 11pm. Luckily I was able to go to sleep without bother the stomach upset feel. The purge continue throughout the night. The event reminded me of a similar night when we were at Medan where I also had the food poison and require injection at hotel. It never helped till I vomitted everything from the stomach at the night. It was almost similar but that was about 10 years ago with you taking care of me beside.

At morning, I still able to get up and went to office but the chill at office made me discomfort and forced me to leave office at 11am. After the medication, I was again luckly as I was able to get to sleep. I believed sleep and rest will help and here I am now. I am preparing for attending a dinner which meant for my sis birthday gathering. The little one birthday also around the corner. But I do not think we will have celebration instead of buying a cake or candy for the little one to distribute at his nursery.

It was unexpected that I would need to have leaves on Tuesday and Wednesday instead of the planned Thursday and Friday.Nevertheless, the plan to have the kids to have a rest at Penang never changed. We indeed spent a night at Penang.

First changes I could see is the extension of penang bridge which is now soon taking shape. I can see the third lane at the side. Next, I see changes of Queen Bay Mall with more international branding outlets. I still remembered when we visited it at late 2005 when it was first open, it was still half empty and we only spend less than half an hour. We did never return to this mall again even you actually spent another year in Penang when I shifted to Ipoh.

The night at the hotel was never an easy one as I could not sleep at all. The bed was comfortable and soft but yet I just could not fall into dream. It has not been the first time as I started observing I could not sleep at hotel with the kids around. Perhaps I was worry about the safety of the hotel. I do not know.

The kids however were overjoy. They are really enjoy the shopping and fishes. I believed next stop i will bring them will be Genting Highland. We also quite often go to Genting although you did not like the casino. I still remembered the "golden phrase" you had... " once you lost this RM10, let get back to room and sleept" then we laughed and left the casino.

On the way home this evening when passing by the famous Sam Tet primary school, i spotted a few of school buses picking the passengers. This is absolutely normal scene for Malaysian. But what made me sad was that, the pick up is not done at a road side or special bus stop, but instead directly on the road with the 3 feet or shorter pupils lined up to board on the bus while the busy vehicles are passing by just not more than half a feet away?

How could these bus operators have such type of attitude of "tak apa" as long as making money out of the passengers without any sense of safety. If these were the secondary students who can already take better care of themselves, although still risky, then i may curse the bus operators less...but these are not more than 10 years old pupils...

I will try passing by again tomorrow and take some images... This really require some attention of the relevant enforcement party. After all, human life should not be compromised. School bus operators, pls be more safety minded.

180 days marked the 6 months departure by now. It was not a short period but neither a long duration. But the changes could be drastic and dramatic. Things changed, I changed...I changed from with dummy with a slimmer dummy(great :)) I changed with some noticeable white hairs(bad)

Today and tonight was really emotional. The inner feel was easily influenced. After the kids were aslept, it would be me again for my time. Entire time and space belongs to me now and it seems to be too much and too empty. I could not help but to be reminded that I am alone.

Some one actually in earlier commented that I do not need to be purposely recorded down the feeling for how much I would miss my late wife. It goes on commented as if to disguise showing my love with self protraiting myself to be the greatest husband of all.

Well, I did not write down my progressive feeling just to "show off" or use as a way to bait other girls into my love. Although I do not reject if I were given chance to have a date, but I am absolute sure of that I do not need to self protrait with great rommance through showing how much I would love my late wife. I am sorry for the person who commented this and if there was anything that I had done to result such comment, I would apologize openly and wish the person in peaceful mind. Please do not live on with hatre and stick on the sad memory.

Nowaday, I hate the feeling of driving alone especially at night.. It really reminded me for being alone.

The little one dropped these sketch drawing. He said he wanted to let you see them And so, I scanned in here. If possible, please tell the little one he has draw some great sketches and we like them so much.

I have him convinced that he will draw more for further keeping as a part of growing up memory.

Tonight seem to be quite disturbed with two incidents

1) I received a letter from Takaful. It offered a "caring" note of the loss

2) a credit card statement from C-Bank.

Incident 2 was the one really made me to become a furious man...

I had terminated the credit card ever since you departed with fax in of the relevant documents to declare of the unavailability. And yet after 6 month, the "beggar" still issuing a statement with an active account. When I called again tonight, these were parts of the conversions which was so fantastic to me (B - bank, k -me)

B : sir, may i know what fax number you fax in the doc?

k : how do i remember after 6 months

B : but you will need to tell me which number you use for me to check!

k : ok, then pls tell when yesterday at 6pm who did you call and what number? If you able to tell me this for your yesterday event, i locate the fax number from my machine. Can you tell me the number you call then?

B : i do not remember

k : so?

B : then pls fax in again

k : why do i need to do it again as i had done the faxing 6 months ago?

B : can you pls leave me your contact number?

k : do you like me so much or love my raising voice so much that you miss me and want to call me? can you give me your mobile number so i can call you to follow up?

B : the mobile number is personal to me

k : then my number also private to me

B : then how do we check up with you

k : what are you checking and need to call me. Just close the account and resolve it with the doc. why do u need to call me as I am not your client

B :...

I know I am being in anger, but i really cannot help as they are really so so follow protocol..

No wonder C-bank in capter 11. it is indeed no better than other like CIxx bank

Last week I added two new gadgets while thinking to dispose off the existing monster laptop which bought in Feb 2008. It was bought at the eve of the CNY and we also had some quarrel over some matter on the occasion of reunion meal. I said next time I do not want to be so late for the reunion gathering meal... and yes I got it as I will never be late as I will be alone.

I had bought a mini laptop so as to use it whenever outdoor for web surfing. I also added a new gaming gadget for kids. This time is the Nintendo Wii. But after a while, the kids lost the interests and prompted me to re-deploy it soon.

I also thought of renovating the room, the masterbed room. I would like to have a custom floor sitting extended table just at the side the bed. After all, this will be my new workstation.

I am getting more and more careless. While reversing the car, I did not aware that there was a tree remain (which could not be viewed from the rear mirror) at back and thus hitting it resulted the entire bumper being pulled down and dropped off.

If this happened at night time, I could have blamed myself for not seeing in dark. However, this took place at noon time while the sun was at zenith of my head. At last, I need to manual "hang" it to the car with its original bracket still in place. When I drove the car to the Nissan service center, I was informed that they did not provide mudguard service as they only know how to change filter and replenish lubricant. Else nothing more... WTF? a service center without the capability to service the car?

Finally, I did it myself with trying to align the bumper with its right bracket and I hope it can survive for a few more days before I can locate the right service guy.

Another key lessons of the day

1) Cannot assume. Thing that does not see or cannot see, it really does not mean no hidden danger

2) A service center does not provide full car maintenance service but only filter and lubricant change

3) Always need to be resourceful and smart for work around.

What a bad day for me. I am definitely looking forward to dose off the car now!

At the moment of writing this blog, I had not been slept for more than 28 hours. This is due to the continuous "team building" through the physical inventories count. It was indeed a fun and good event to locate the parts inside the main store, receiving etc.

Team work is really the matter of success in such cycle count.

After this, I would like to have a good hot shower and rest for a few hours before I pick up the kids as I had not been seeing them for more than 48 hours..

I am truly upset with the progress of the political in my beloved country. There is just scandal after scandal without any offer of help to the country economy. Personal attack and privacy intrusion is everywhere.

Where is Malaysia moving to be? I want stable politic and healthy growth of economy. Am i asking too much?

These two days were quite disturbed. Not only because of the un-welcome uncertainty progress of work, i was also somehow bothered by some bitter sour comments. I truly understood the comment objective and everyone deserve one's right to choose his/her choice of method to handle some memory, be it some happy sweet memory or bitter sad rememberance.

But there is something I learned, one can never live in hatre. If one live in hatre, then whatever once used to be sweet memory will gigantisize to unforgettable pins in heart as it always bother. When there is no more love or affinition, whatever once used to be the sweetest moment turned to be the haunted curse.

This is true. When there is love, even the fart is smelled as sweet. When the love is gone, even honey will be tasted as bitter vomitting favour.

Bottomline, is how you treat others and think of other, you will get the same reaction. No one wants to be challenged or intruded.

Rest in peace. Nobody owe you something and you do not owe anyone anything. It takes two to tango. I hope I will always remember this learning.

2/14. Valentine day. It was a day crafted by business genius to seize profit by making full use of the event which suppose to mean for thoughts of the loved one. I can bet almost if not all business are grabbing this golden day for business. Restaurant and gifts & flower shops must be full of orders.

I did not buy you any flowers nor any gift when visiting you. I really hope you were not the same as of those who "greatly showing-off" with the gifts or flowers on their arms while walking meaninglessly inside the mall. I also could not remember if we did really celebrate any Valentine day. But every now and then, we were together without failure and I believed every moment of us together will be our valentine days.

At night, I had both kids as my accompany for the golden Valentine night. I informed the kids that tonight was Valentine nights and explain the meaning to them. And they gave me two rare questions which I choked on words to reply them... "why mommy is not with you?" "why you do not have a valentine?"

It took an extended moment to get us served with the orders although we were clever enough to dine at a normal "kopitiam". While waiting, the kids asked why there were so many dressed up girls and walking around. I followed their eyes and start observing... ya, there were quite a number of couples and the girls were "slightly" dressed up. It was a night for thoughts of the other half and I wish all couples will be granted with happiness and I wish the couples after tonight will understand more of the meaning of relationship and rommance. It was not meant as to show off with how exclusive the dinner was, how many flowers received, what gifts presented, what cars the guys are driving, how handsome is my boyfriend etc. Valentine means the thoughts of other half at any occasion.

I texted a few friends of mine and I was delighted as I was still manage to get responses.

After all, it was just another night without any special meaning without you around. But I will remember you have given me a special gift and I deeply know I was the one you fully in love. And I already have a great valentine. And she is you.

Thankyou my dear SooKing, my wife.

At the eve of Valentine, you "planned" a secret gift which delivered to me quietly. If I were given a choice, I would like you to be beside me instead of a gift.

I really appreciated your thoughts of me and our family.

I thought I had adapted and re-aligned without crying... After all, I am still crying. I miss you!

On the 15th of the Lunar calendar or the last day of the Chinese Spring Festival, I had a mistake of calling a friend. I did not aware of the time and thus shocking the person from sleep. I was then felt terribly sorry for waking up my friend. I was sorry for causing such trouble of awaking the person. I am sorry for the call and interruption.

At night, I was fortunately to have another friend accompany me with tea and chiness chess playing. It was indeed a relaxing night although disturb with some thoughts.

This week, I finally managed to align back my life as to be before your departure. Although there is still loneliness and uncomfortable (due to no companionship) but I found myself had begun adapting to this new life. After all, the only difficulty is that I do not need to "report" and thinking of this will always make me blue as if I myself was deserted.

I used to drink a glass of wine or two now at night. And more importantly, I wish I can have myself focus and re-invent my ambition.

There has been so many "notes" to me that I had lost the previous "arrogant" of me.

Am I really arrogant?

My dear, you were with me at the formation of new government in Perak state after the last election. And now not after a year later, a new government is to be formed with the different members who we had selected to be out of the state ruling agents.

This time around was due to a-three not worth to be named highly purely politicians of personal gain defection. Due to this defection, the goverment shift hand and we, Perakian are under the same group of ruling agents again after we voted them out of the DUN.

Defections are everwhere!

Today is a sad day as the plot used only tell us one thing. Personal gain is on top of every other mean

Democracy, rest in peace!

It was a quiet day and night after all, although I received some birthday greetings through SMS. Someone asked what would be my birthday wishes. I replied that there are no more wishes.

I would want to thank a friend who texted me at far with more than ten of thousands miles away. I also appreciated a friend who bought me a cake. I felt warm when some friends called me although I did not have chance to response.

There is at least a call I could never receive.

There is at least a call I could be receiving.

There is at least a call

So what would leave for wishes without this call.