In loving memory of my beloved wife

It was the Chinese Spring Festival again or commonly known as Chinese New Year. It marked the arrival of the year of Ox. I started of the Ox year with another greatest shock of all.

The new year break did not seem to be a different days of all. Normally, the break also meant "resting and sleeping" occasions for me. I usually try to "hide" from the crowd of the new year break. It was the same for this year with only different of I was inside my room.

So, I pray to GOD for granting me an angel, who will be my real guardian. or may be my angel is looking from above with tears...

"It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness
Oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here"

In the arms of the angel, fly away from here..

With a recommendation of a friend, I had brought the elder to a music school, accessing if he would be interested to have some times to be invested to musical learning. He was indeed nervous as this was the first session of an introduction. I could see him excited but really nervous.

I believed because of the influence of the passionate music tutor, he committed to start learning. I never learn music but I believed with the elder involvement, I would need to pick up some so as to accompany him as a continuous inspiring factor.

I also remembered you once commented wanted to have them to learn music and I hope you will be with the elder whenever he has his practise.

On last Friday night, at entering the house, my phone rang. Apparently it was a call to invite me for a drink at a local bar. HOUZ as the name of the bar. I said ok as I had nothing to do at home. And so I drove to the bar. On the way, there was a police road block and in my heart I said there was nothing wrong with my car and myself.

Nevertheless, the police blocked me and informed me I indeed had an expired roadtax. WTF? I forgot the car insurance and road tax expired on 1/1/2009 and I had been driving it without any coverage of insurance! This was really the first absent minded event for myself! How could I really forgot such simple task, i.e. to renew the road tax and insurance.

On this night also, I marked my birthday to the calendar of the iphone so as to remind my birthday. I also started to list down all the important day of event of myself and family. After all, I am the only only to remind myself now.

I had a minor car accident and I believed you knew the reason. I will need to beg your pardon on this. There was nothing wrong except I got too emotional. Only the car suffered but not me.

The start of new year does not seem to have any changes to me yet. I had some ambitions set and will push forward for them.

I also would like to have a full medical check after the Chinese New Year, perhaps sometimes in February. I will pray for nothing mentally or physically wrong as well.

Today is the new start of the year 2009. I had not been sleeping well on the eve of the new year. It was not due to any reason, but I was indeed disturbed by some matters which played in my heart and mind.

The eve also marked the last day of myself on this sorrow year. I wish I will be able to have face-off to begin the new year. I still remember the event and you. But instead, I would want this to be as an episode of my life which I will never forget but remain as my sweetest memory to have met you and married you. I remember!

The eve, I also "thick-skin" enough to have a "free" dinner on a frined of mine, with whose son 's birthday on the new year. I was also drunk some wine so it may help me to have some better sleep at night of the eve. Nevertheless, the wine never did the task. I was not going out anywhere on the eve after the dinner but to strict home and rest on bed. I could hear the fireworks even from my room and it marked the arrival of the new year. Will I be able to start the new year with a new hope? I do not know!

Haven't been able to sleep for the night, I woke up to have the morning walk for half an hour but having the iphone with Kenny-G together. After the walk, I would require to be at the phone booth as today also marked the opening day for the phone booth in a local mall. There were plentiful of people and the mall was kind of a busy haven, but my heart was not really on the phone business today eventhought it was a really important day for the business. I felt something missing and this really bother me.

I did not visit you today on this new year. Would you angry with me? But I believed you will understand as I had mentioned to you. Dear, do you?

I was awakened by a phone call and somehow it was a call which worth to be awaken.

There was nothing special on this Christmas. It was merely another day of rest. Nevertheless, I am thankful for the thought of friends for an afternoon tea times for a short gathering for "blowing water" (cantonese: which mean nonsense talks)

Today is the eve of the 2008 Christmas. The kids are with grand parents for some form of gathering holiday celebration. They always enjoy the party or gathering.

I, however did not have plan of any outing on this eve. I just wish to be at home quietly doing some of my personaly stuffs. Sometimes the best times did not need to be grand and with noisy function. I do not know if I am really growing elder as I started avoiding noisy venue.

Tonight, I will have the CD player turn on with Kenny G saxyphone music as accompany.

Today is the Winter Soltis, it is an important date for most Chinese. It also symbolized the spring will be only around 1 month away. All lifes will be re-energized after 1 month when the Spring Festival arrived.

This year would mark the first Winter Soltis without you. However, I did not remembered previously how did we spend this date, but all I ever know was we were together althought no celebration or prayer session. The kids are with their grand parents as they are always overjoyed at the old hut. And so I granted two nights of "vacations" to them while I were at Ipoh.

At night I tried some of the first of my life... 1) walking without objective at the mall 2) finished reading a book in 15 minutes 3) bought two music CD and listened to them. The feeling was strange but I am getting adapted to it soon.

As a matter of fact, I burst into tears again at 2am when hearing some songs. But I could soon regain the control but I promised myself that I would not forget you. Earlier, I had a thought. I decided that whenever I buy a new car, the first drive, I will be with you. I will drive the car with you. The seat will be for you at the first drive.

The kids are back home and the house is again filled with their laughters and cheers. Without you car, the car porch became abnormaly spacious with only a car. The new year is soon approaching and another 20 days it would year 2009 and the eve of 2008, we were at the "Padang Ipoh Besar" awaiting for the fireworks (although it was actually held at Green Town Field) but we were having some fun of walking on the field with the fireworks far away with two of the kids.

I believed this year, I will again to the the field with the two kids and withness the arrival of new year. Pls join us, dear.

Today marked the 100-day memorial for you (althought I calculated it was only 93 days). There wasn't any big and fancy arrangement but a simple prayer session. I did not find the 100-day any different to me as I always believed you are with me as I carried your spirit. I knew and understood what would be you want to do even if you were to be with us.

You would like the kids to be in good health, study good, behave well, grow up and settle down with own family. I will carry out these duty. I will. Please do not worry. It would be similar as what I had mentioned to you and you heard it right. "I will take good care of them. With me around, you do not need to worry of the kids. Even if I were not to be around, I would have the arrangement for them" They are our princes.

Today I also made an important decision. I decided to sell off the car you had been driving. I hope you will agree to it. If you do not, please signal me and I will know.

Dear, do you remember the plant that I have at the front of the gate. It is a type of "bird of paradise" and it has not been having flowers ever since it last blossom after it was brought to the house. It is now showing up a sight of flower. It is a good sight and I hope you will see and it will symbolize you are on heaven peacefully forever. I really believed you are. Dear, I love you.

Today was identified as the eve of the 100-days of your departure. In tradition, 100-days meant a significant cycle turnover. I do not know what it will be specifically. I would instead wanted to know how do you do now.

Soo King, how are you? I want you to know that everyone of us still remember you and we are doing good. Please do not worry us and we will promise to take good care of ourselves. I still miss you and you are still the only one who can influence me to cry...

Will you see me tonight?

Today I went to KL along with two others. The trip was meant for phone shop setup. In between of acquiring the phones and accessories, I still manage to locate some favourites for the kids. They were the Ben10 figures. I believed the kids would overjoy when they saw these on their table.

It was a fruitful trip as I learned quite a bit on the operation of the phone business.

Tonight I have the two kids back to their nanny's home. I was alone at the house and I was avoiding thinking about the moment with you, with the TV turn on showing the HK movies so I could divert my attention.

I walked to the third room which stored most of the souvenirs. I knew why I walked to this room. I was looking for a pairs of souvenirs I gave to you perhaps 8 years ago. They were the pair of "Hello Kitty" in marriage suites. I remembered I had these purchased on my way to Kulim in the lunch time. You had kept these till today and indeed you had kept all the gifts I had to you.

Today was another non-productive day for me as for the whole week. I did not seem to be in interests of performing. My mind was basically restless and could not concentrate. The days were filled with tasks and I could have been busy resolving those tasks, but I just not at all think of them. But to lag on.

The household chores had not been followed up well too. I had not been sweeping the floor since Monday. I had not water the plants since last week and I could see some have started to turn into yellowish. And one of the plant you left me had "died" but I did not know the reason as I had been watering it and put it to shelter ever since I notice it was drying up. You like this plant as it always has red/orange "fruits". I felt kind of sad when it finally left me too. It is a sight of my ignorant recently. Dear, please forgive me.

I will re-invest my time in all these household chores and gardening.

The economy is getting worse and bad news come once after another. Respective parties have been fighting with reinvestment/rescue plans, incentives, contigency measures etc. Job cutting seems to be an unavoidable measure soon by most company.

But you do not need to worry as I will ensure the kids still have the right education allocations, amble of petty cash for daily needs etc. However, I will indifinitely cut down their expenses in toys. I will convince them not to spend more on their monthly allowence but to save up for future usage. Rest assure that no matter how tough the life challenge is going to be, I will stay with them and offer the best to them as my promise to you.

The little one has brought home a bear that he used to carry all the times. It was indeed a replacement bear of his favourite which lost at Jusco at a night outing. He was crying sadly after the lost. You had indeed immediately tried to locate back the same bear for him. You had first bought the Mr. Bean's bear to him but he was never like the idea of a replacement bear. At a night shopping, we had indeed located a rather similar appearance bear for him. It was close to it but not quite. Since then, he never like the idea of carrying a bear... A lost is a lost. It can never find a replacement no matter what.

It has been quite some times since I last blogging... I do not forget. Last night, I had a strange dream. A really strange dream...

The night was cold and I believed it was drizzling outside, just like the day you left. I felt cold even inside the blanket.I am always could not sleep soundly and I believed I was half aslept. I "saw" myself in the dream. I saw myself looking to something. It was a hologram-like protrait at front of me. The hologram was your face. I was trying to touch you and trying to see clearer at the hologrom. The hologram had no color but only black and white. It really protraited as you... I tried to "look" to the hologram and to myself at the dream, but I could not really make up the clarity. A while later, all vanished and I awaked..

Was it really a dream?

In another occasion, some of my friends asked why I would want to blog and write down these but rather to keep personal to myself. I did not answer. The reason why I blog and continue to blog about Soo King and me is that these were the only memory that we both remembered and there will be no second person who will be able to chat with me on every single details of the events which we had gone through. Not even my sons or another others will be able to know the reason of why I cried just by looking at at piece of paper with writing etc. Before I lost all memory pieces by pieces due to age, I would want all of these to be recorded forever. These will be my companion when I awaiting my times later. It is this reason that I will blog and continue blog about our past and my venture of life later.