Day 49 after the event

Voice of KM Chong Wednesday, October 22, 2008 comments (1)

I should be alright today as I had been affirmed up my mind with the new goal and emotionally prepared to re-spin my life. However, after a trial of eating outside alone at the vege restaurant and at the parking lot at front of the office, suddenly the sadness choked me and I was sobbing. It was emotionally driven by a song played from the radio which sang, "..let go.." It took me a while to regain to calmness before I could step in to the office. I did not know why I was crying...
At night, while folding the clothes, the elder one said something that triggered my uncontrolled temper and I was virtually on flame.. I was most sorry that I had punished him when found out that he had not been eating the cookies that brought to school and did not response to my questions. Later at the night, I apologized to him and promised not to have lost control of my emotion and we both in tears...
Dear, now I knew you have the special gift of patience.. you would be not only patience to your kids but also to others. I will need to learn and cultivate this E-Q and transform it to be my character. This will be the emotional goal setting for myself.

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Day 48 after the event

Voice of KM Chong Tuesday, October 21, 2008 comments (0)


The elder today informed me that he won a prize on the vacation project he had worked on. You had the frame work layout for him before you gone. He indeed completed on his own. I just edit the formating without the contents changed.

He is slowly building up his confident now and please do not worry as he is doing ok.

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My eyes are your eyes

Voice of KM Chong Monday, October 20, 2008 comments (0)

I experienced some state changes when approaching toward the day of day-49. I would like to use my eyes as your eyes to see the kids growing up; I would like to have my heart as your heart to accompany the kids; I would like to have my hands as your hands for them as supports. I understand the message you are sending me now... I will report all these to you when I meet you sometimes later, but I just need you to support me to have this along.
I will re-spin my life! My promise to you will never be changed! That's the promise!

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Day 47 after the event

Voice of KM Chong comments (0)

Today I had the last and simple 7-days prayer session for you along with the kids and your parents. We reached your site at 8.30am and the kids' noise would definitely awake you as they were really kind of "playing" and plainly running around. I would not bother this.

I always rejected the Chinese burning culture, likes to "burn" the paper-made apparatus. But I had to follow somehow. I would not risk if these would really deliver to you. Nevertheless, I would not "burn" those fancy modern apparatus but to stick to the old ancients type with only "gold", "silver","notes","buddha writing".


The kids and I were late to the school and office as we were at the bank to have some arrangment of transactions. The visit to bank always an annoyed occassion as a simple process over the counter took us at least 1 hour. This is killing for my times...By the time, I had the little one to the nursery, it was already 11am and yet he was demanding for a glass of yogurt drinks before to get down from the car and this had caused me to return to the home to get his wishes fulfilled.

I was at the EPF counter when I received a call that the crafting had been ready and I could have this to be placed to your site. This would really mean I would need to return to your apartement site as I wish to have all of these done within today; especially it was your last 7-days period.Amazingly I did not complain for this late annoucement to me but I just wish to get it all completed within today.

Finally, I had the crafting setup for you. And I feel kind of relief as I had really wanted this to be done on or before the last 7-days. The next moment I would look forward would be the 100-days which I selected to be on 12/10 (Sunday). Dear, although this had concluded the stay-with-you for the first 49-days, I would not just not visit you during the lunch session. Whenever I would not feel like going out for lunch, I would still come here. After all, I would just meditate with you beside for 15 minutes to have myself re-charged. By the way, while waiting the crafting to be placed to your apartement, I spotted a butterfly flying intimately to me and eventually rested on the iron bar for a long while.

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A promise of honours

Voice of KM Chong Sunday, October 19, 2008 comments (0)

I was almost accepting the cruel fact of losing you forever although sometimes I could still in denial state of "hoping" you were still around or "re-thinking if I had done this or that, the outcome should be different.." I could cry easily now. I could have my tears flow down within seconds but I could control my emotion as long as I did not think about 1) the suffers you had gone through 2) the sacrifies you had to me and the kids 3) the loss of you accompanying me for the rest of my life 4) self pity etc.
I had decided to have my life to be re-controlled and to have my second wave of ambitions of dreams to be pursued. They were the ambitions that I had long forgotten. I also wanted to have myself upgraded to another status, in which these were the ambitions or I should say promises I promised you before.. I am doing these because I would like to dedicate all these success to you. I would like to honour you for my soon-to-be-accomplished achievements. Dear,
1) I would finally register for the MBA course and my dissertation would carry your name.
2) I would like to have at least one technical paper presented in the IEEE again once a year. (It was 4 years ago since last I had a paper to the journal..)
3) I would like to have a book to be written.
4) I would like to have an invention patent with you as my co-inventor
In trying to achieve all these, it means I would need to force myself to go back to books again and I believed with you "accompanying" me along, I would able to achieve these as I wanted to honour my dearest wife. You would not be unknown and gone. You will stay on.
Dear, please help me to focus!

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Day 46 after the event

Voice of KM Chong comments (0)

I was late to sleep last night. Only closed my eyes around 3am. The kids were with me at sides and indeed they were just into their dreams not more than 1 1/2 hours ago. They were having their favaourite games (PSP and NDS) and I had forgotten the time already past 1am before I demanded them to sleep. It was my fault...
By the time I opened up my eyes, it was already 9am and I would need to go to the Bercham morning fresh market to get the "prayer cakes" and praying utensils for your "day-49" or the last 7-day praying session. I woke the little one to accompany me as he always wanted to follow to market, he was hoping he could get toys... The elder was still sleeping soundly and so I did not alert him but allow him to continue his dream. Then after we went to Jusco for the once-a-week grocery shopping. This had become so regular but I still kept forgetting an items or two...May be I will soon become "C9" (in Cantonese means old fashioned house wife lady who bargins for little discount...or calculative..)
I had also bought one of your favourite cakes, the tiramishu. But I believed it was not as good as those which you enjoyed. I knew you liked the "Cheese Cake Factory" but I just could not get you one, instead of "Secret Recipes" By the time, I had all of these inside my car, it was already 12pm. And I still had not have the once-a-week cleaning yet...Btw, I would be declaring on "leave" for these household chores next week as I would like to spend the weekend in Penang. I hope I would be able to face Penang, being the place where we spent the happies, longest and meaningful moments together!

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Day 44 after the event

Voice of KM Chong Friday, October 17, 2008 comments (0)


I had been avoiding to blogging after Monday as I was virtually struggling between reality vs. memory. I was rather emotional. So much so I had received some notes that re-triggered the once tried-to-keep pain and these really matter! I appreciated all notes as I knew these were encouragement to help me to steer myself back on track. I knew! I just could not live out of it YET!




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Day 40 after the event

Voice of KM Chong Monday, October 13, 2008 comments (0)

I rang the school as the shop should have delivered the custom-made table as your memorial donation to your school. I really hope you would be remembered by your pupils and I believed they do. After dropping the phone, I promised myself to have a trip to school for the table sometimes this week. May be together with the kids. I really hope all could be done before your last 7 days prayer session.
I must apologized to you as I ran into emotional with the kids for mischievous doings. Weiyang was not really focus on the homework but only thought about playing the computer games. Wilson was extremely naughty and bitten his brother with marks on hands. This had caused me to "rotan" them and chased them out of the room. I punished them without mercy. They eventually apologized and promised of no repeat. However, I sense my heart beats were so irregular till I felt headache.. with a sight of high blood pressure! I must control my temper. I really lost as to how to bring them up so they will not jump on to my head! Dear, please tell me as you are so patience. please guide me.

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Day 39 After the event

Voice of KM Chong comments (0)

It was 2.30am while I was still awaked with both kids at side. I had no particular intention to stay late but just to try to get myself tired so I could sleep on the night of Saturday. I felt hungry and so decided to prepare instant noodles although I had tried to stay away from such type of food for the past three weeks. I went downstair and while I was cooking, I remembered I cooked you the same meal on the week before you were admitted. I also had a fried egg for you and this was the last meal I prepared for you. We chatted for a while especially on the idea of changing job and how to strengthen our financial status... You did not finish the meal but I found you were satisfied to go upstair while I cleaned up.


I am normally quite focus and stubborn while also decisive in our family. I will normally make changes to the family while you and the kids are adapting for the changes. I do not change with your suggestion although I will slowly make way for it. I am bad temper and do not allow challenge! But since then, I started to change.. my life style changed; my food changed; my emotion changed; I tried to mimick the way you brush your teeth; I tried to cook the way you prepare the food; I tried to think in the way you would be for the kids; I realized without you around, I will need to change to live on while I do not want to change to leave you out. I will not and you will be here inside my heart.

At morning, I brought the kids to the Taiping zoo as I had promised them earlier. It would be just a short trip and I remembered that we had this venue visited sometimes last year while you complained of the heat of the sun.. The kids were overjoyed with seeing animals. Wilson, however changed as he became frigthened with riding on the train except within my hug. He need some accompany. It was a nice trip although I was a bit sleepy. At evening, we went down to Kampar to parent and parent-in law house for some chats. The kids were again overjoyed with this arrangement. I believed we will have this nice gathering again. However, although kids enjoyed the session, I was indeed felt alone without you although I tried to disguised with smiles. Dear, I missed you still!

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A dream of barbeque, or an imagination?

Voice of KM Chong Saturday, October 11, 2008 comments (0)

I believed I could have a dream of your visit on the night of wednesday. I was not so sure as I could not remember clearly if there were you or others. There were people having a barbeque and we could be among them. I still confused as I could not remember. But the dream or even this 'imagination' was so uncommon as I were never had such type of dreams before. Thus, I believed you have finally come to visit me. But what was the meaning of having barbeque? I checked with dream analysis that dreaming of barbeque refers to a minor problem that is affecting my social life. Well, after you had gone, my social life really affected as I am isolating myself except to my kids..But I believed it could mean other. Are you telling me you missed the barbeque events that we used to host and serve the friends during the weekend party at state? Dear, please tell me more...

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Day 38 After the event

Voice of KM Chong comments (0)

After sending both kids to the weekly drawing class, I started to pack your shoes for donation. There were sport shoes, high heels, sandals etc. All together, there were at least 4 pairs of sports shoes, 5 pairs of high heels, 3 pairs of sandals etc. Of all, the sports shoes would really catch my attentions as there were so much of memories with them as you would always put them on whenever we went out with the kids. Immediately, there were sores at my eyes and tears forced down unintentionally! I sobbed and ran to the kitchen to have my face washed. When I regained my emotion, I segregated all of yours shoes but I still wanted to keep 2 pairs of the Nike as they would remind me of you. I will feel hurt to have all gone... even for donation! Of all, there was a pair of Nike which I knew it would be always your favourite as it was the first pair of Nike that I bought for you and Weiyang on arrival to US in 2004. It was your first gift on the foreign land and you still have it kept in good shape while you were still wearing it weekly before you left us. I still reluctantly to let go the shoes..

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Day 37 After the event

Voice of KM Chong comments (0)


In the morning, I received a call from the shop, informing me that the custom made order of a stone-mix table with your name was ready for delivery. It was meant for a donation to your former school as a memorial. It read " In loving memory of Pn. Chan Soo King 9th Sept 2008"

I inspected the table at lunch before visiting you. It was in green color and would be equipped with 3 half moon-shaped chairs as a completed set. I informed the delivery should be on next Monday to the school. I grabbed an image of this table although it was not properly setup yet! I would go to the school to know where it would be located. I hope the table and chairs would get some better use for your pupils. I left and rushed to your place so I could return to office before 2pm.

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Day 36 After the event

Voice of KM Chong Thursday, October 9, 2008 comments (0)

Today the emotion recovered significantly. Partly due to the fact that I find no reason to have worry over the phone call except I still need to ensure more security observation and safety concerns. However, I had a sudden thought that still suddenly bother me. I found myself alone but I still have the two kids to accompany me. Would you be alone too as you may not have "friends" yet? But I believed with your character, you should not have issue mix and discover new "friends", right?



When I visitied you today, your apartment had put up your name. Finally, I could see your name at front of the apartment. I like your name to be in traditional Chinese fonts. There is, however still missing your photo and I hoped the tombstone crafter could deliver before end of this month. The kids said they will meditate while visiting you but they could not really sit still for more than one minute. They are so active all the while, so you do not need to worry. I will take good care of them.

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Day 34 after the event

Voice of KM Chong Tuesday, October 7, 2008 comments (1)

I needed to cook for dinner tonight but my emotion was rather disturbed. While preparing the dinner, I burst into tears as I suddenly felt I had no one to talk to or to share with.. When serving the dinner, I could not control the emotion but to cry out aloud and I believed my uncontrolled emotion had made the kids worry. I would need to apologize to the kids for this. I would need to control for not crying at front of the kids.
What had disturbed me today was really due to a ridiculous phone call from an unknown person for some hidden agenda. The call had made me tremendously disturbed. After some in-depth analysis of the objective and logic of the call, I believed the call was more of a hoax. Today I was rather self-pity and thus become emotional!
I will need to be careful now as there could be people observing me for some advantage. Security and safety measurements must be tightened now.

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Day 33 after the event

Voice of KM Chong Monday, October 6, 2008 comments (0)

After fetching both kids from nursery and school, we went for grocery shopping so tomorrow I can prepare the dinner instead of eating outside with ajinomoto. I had never worry what do I need to cook or prepare for dinner since the two kids would always get a special meal from you. But, it would be different now. I will need to seek their opinion on what they wanted to eat or be cooked. I only have a handful of known recipes to myself. And most of the meal I enjoy, would not be suitable for the growing kids.
As well, I will need to go for such shopping twice or at least once every week. Luckily that till now, the kids still did not officially complain yet. I really hope I am doing good in this task now and later. What do you think, dear?

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Day 32 after the event

Voice of KM Chong comments (0)

Today I caught some cold and felt of not comfortable, fatigue and sore throat. I become worry that if I were down on bed, who would be looking after my kids and eventually me.. The worry brought me down but I swallowed two pils of panadol instead of seeing the doctor. I always hate to visit doctors as I would expect what they would comment and prescribe what kind of medication to me. I also lost confident in doctors as I truly believed you had been wrongly diagnosed and I was at fault of not pressuring the doctor for quicker and better cares. I am still believed I responsible instead of the doctors.
I received multiple sms from friends on asking me not to cry anymore. Whenever, I read such sms, it immediatly made my eyes filled with tears. It was not that I am self pity, but I felt terribly sorry for you. I am sorry that you could not see the kids, who are your center of the your world. It is what really made me crying all these while.

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1998 my birthday, chicken pox, Intel Penang etc.

Voice of KM Chong comments (0)

Birthday
It was 1998 when you came back from school with a "black forrest" cake. It was for my birthday. I always "complained" that since my birthday always falls on chinese new year and no one will bother to celebrate with me.. It was really a casual complaint for no reason. But you had given me a surprise which I remembered till now. I had never mentioned to you that I remembered the event till now. I still can remember clearly what you had said to me when you put on the candles and lit them. I did not remember now if I had said thank you, but I believed I had. But dear, thank you for your thoughts and loves. I remember! I do not think I will remember any other years' birthday as there would be no celebration as normal, except this one!
Chicken pox
Sometimes in May, I was down with chicken pox. I was told by my mother that I had it before but I did not know why I had the second attack of chicken pox later at 27 years old. It was rather a bad and serious infection as there were pox on whole body and I was kind of require d isolation. You had been there with me although I had requested you not to bed beside me. But you insisted to be with me for the two weeks periods till I recovered and get back to work. Thanks, my dear! I owed you for taking care on me ever since you become my girl friend and wife later.
First US trip
I went to Irvine, CA in August '98 for a short trip. We had an argument on the first day of my arrival due to an issue of my side. I made a continous call which costed RM500 ++ for explanation and affirmation. It was my fault. I did not remember what presents that I had brought home. I could only remembered some mineral crystal. Eventually, you picked me up at the airport and I still remembered which suit you were in. You were in light green.. I am sorry. I am!
Transition to Penang
You had been always wanted me to leave KL due to some reasons. And I was really not performing well in that company and so I applied for a job in Intel Penang and eventually successful. It was you who accompanied me to the interview where we stayed in "agora hotel" (I hope it is still there now). The interview took place for three hours and you had been patiently waited inside the car.. After the interview, we drove down to KL as you were in school holiday and so you could stay together with me at the KL rented house. The next day, you rang me for the good news of successful interview as the HR personel had called to the house phone and you had answered her.
Pregnancy for our first baby
In December, you informed me of pregnancy. It was not as expected but we were overjoy and thanks for the gift. I once claimed that it must be the baby who has brought luck to me for changing to a new job. Well, it was, It was Intel that significantly changed my working experiences, exposure, habit etc. I also had the boom in the PC side business in year 1999 as I had opened up a cyber cafe shop. In this month also, I needed to prepare for the relocation to Penang and you had been there accompanying me for all the transition needed, including locating a room, moving the items, stay together with me for my first day of work in Intel on 1/1/1999. I would remember this for life as I need to work on the new year. And I had you with me.

SooKing, you had been with me for all the important events of my life, so how could I forget. How could I forget! But I forgotten along the way. I am terribly sorry for this. How could I!

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Day 31 after the event

Voice of KM Chong Sunday, October 5, 2008 comments (1)

It marked you had since left us for a month now. It wasn't too long but I felt like ages. It was really a difference without you. I had used to stay alone (due to work) for some period of times during travel (5 months being the longest away from home alone). We only stayed together after moved to Penang(2002 - 2004), Arizona(2004 - 2005) and Ipoh(2006 - 2008) with buying a house. Throughout 1998 - 2001, I had been the frequent driver on road every weekend rushing back to see you and the kid. I would pack ready by every Friday to drive back to hometown after work. I would stop at your house at Jeram for the Friday night and you always waited for my return without changes. I would only left for the work place on Sunday night. This had been the routine.
I had been telling myself, well, it would be just like this for temporary. I will eventually see you when I get to the deadend. you will be there to wait for me sometimes later. But, this thought does not work for me well.. I still miss you. Visiting you daily becomes my practise. Remembering our times together becomes my habit. Crying becomes so common to me..
Today, I started to worry for my health as the inner right ear pain eventually felt on every nights. You would remember that I had visited two different ENT specialists for this reason and yet did not get the right answer and cure. They claimed that because of the right joint had shifted slightly and thus causing a pressure onto the nerve and so the pain whenever I chew. But, today I found myself again with these issues again and the nose also had deposits and painful when touched. I observed that there were sores inside the nose. There had been some sight of Paranasal sinus and nasal cavity disease (1. A lump or sore inside the nose that does not heal. 2. Pain or pressure in the ear. 3. Nosebleeds. 4. A runny nose). I do not know when I will be prepared for a thorough check up yet. You would chase me for treatment if you were still around. But you also know I am stubborn on seeking medical advices. Is this the third disaster for me?

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Day 30 after the event

Voice of KM Chong comments (1)

I did not have any dream. It could be the night that I slept till morning without awaken. I was almost too lazy to get up till the clock stroke at 7.40am. Reluctantly, I prepared myself to the office..I stared at your photo without any words and you were smiling to me everytimes I looked to your photo beside my bed. I believed my emotional was rather quite controlled as I managed to get through the first night of being alone inside this house; a house with full of memories of yours. But I knew you were beside me.
I was in office while someone dropped me a letter. It was a letter from two colleagues in Sunnyvale. I did not meet them before but I have some emails exchanged with them before. I opened the letter. It was hand written and contained US100. I had been not reading any hand written letter for so long.. may be for more than 15 or 20 years. The letter made me cry again inside my own office..They wished me to stay strong for the kids.. It was so touching and the letter traveled over ten thousand miles to convey the message. Although the letter traveled slowly to reach me as compare to email, the message was signficantly meaningful than any emails. I would keep the letter and I believed wheneve I would felt blue and down, I would read it again. Thanks to both of the writters.
I suddenly realized that I have more cries and tears in this month alone as compare to my whole life. I would not normally cry. Not even when I was detained by immigration during the last trip to US due to some un-resolved case. But ever since you left me, I become so emotionally and simply could burse into as a tears-man. I wanted to control, but I still could not resist the depression raid yet. It was not the loneliness felt that made me cry.. but it was because I felt terribly depressed as you could not be with us and see the kids together. I knew you loved them and wanted to see them grow up and settled down. I knew your only worry was them; if they can live on and be successful in live. And for this one, I would promise to you, I will ensure I will take great care of them and all your worries will be mine and I will handle. You did not need to worry at all, dear! I will handle.

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Day 29 after the event

Voice of KM Chong Saturday, October 4, 2008 comments (0)

We visited the pet shops as always. The kids would always wanted to spend hours in here watching the snakes, chameleon, turtles, birds etc. Then after, the kids wanted to have some fun times at the adjacent playground. I let them ran and played wild like monkey inside without any interruption. I believed they really enjoy and it would be really making this trip meaningful for them. I found myself sleepy and so I took a short nap but again my mind still consumed with the missing of you as I keep imagining that you would be smiles watching the kids enjoying themselves. I really felt sorry that you could not see this. I did and this was what had made me depressed further. After settled with some more toys, we left for home. I did not remember what was on my mind when I had that two and half hours drive but I knew I was fantasizing!
I stopped at Kampar as I would need to have a dinner with my parents and had the kids passed on to their grandparents as I would need to return to office the next day while their nursery were still closed for the holiday. It was a really hard decision as this would really mean I would spending the first night at home without you and the kids... I did not know but I knew I must face this sooner or later. After dropping the kids, I drove alone back Ipoh. Along the way, I had your handbag in my hug; again the depression haunted me and making me crying all the way home.. I hope you could come to my dream tonight while I was sleeping alone..

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