I was almost accepting the cruel fact of losing you forever although sometimes I could still in denial state of "hoping" you were still around or "re-thinking if I had done this or that, the outcome should be different.." I could cry easily now. I could have my tears flow down within seconds but I could control my emotion as long as I did not think about 1) the suffers you had gone through 2) the sacrifies you had to me and the kids 3) the loss of you accompanying me for the rest of my life 4) self pity etc.
I had decided to have my life to be re-controlled and to have my second wave of ambitions of dreams to be pursued. They were the ambitions that I had long forgotten. I also wanted to have myself upgraded to another status, in which these were the ambitions or I should say promises I promised you before.. I am doing these because I would like to dedicate all these success to you. I would like to honour you for my soon-to-be-accomplished achievements. Dear,
1) I would finally register for the MBA course and my dissertation would carry your name.
2) I would like to have at least one technical paper presented in the IEEE again once a year. (It was 4 years ago since last I had a paper to the journal..)
3) I would like to have a book to be written.
4) I would like to have an invention patent with you as my co-inventor
In trying to achieve all these, it means I would need to force myself to go back to books again and I believed with you "accompanying" me along, I would able to achieve these as I wanted to honour my dearest wife. You would not be unknown and gone. You will stay on.
Dear, please help me to focus!
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