In loving memory of my beloved wife

It was never a better afternoon today as I was rather emotional. The thinking was wild whenever I was driving. I can lost a job but find another; My RM2.9k Omnia phone could be damaged and I could buy another one; Fruits inside the fridge could be replenished anytimes; But with you not arround, it was simply not replaceable. I could never find you again! No matter what advancement in telecommunication, I could still not reachable to you and talk to you except you come to my dream.

At night, the kids were requesting for a trip to KL. It would be my first trip without you. I do not know if I can manage it as I would always look for you for all the preparation. Although you always forgot a piece of two items needed at trip, like miss out once my pyjamas and comb or brushes ( I always teased you for this and since then you always remember) I will try, however. I will have you along by having your favourite hand bag to be travelling together with us tomorrow. We will go on for a trip tomorrow. Please remember to wake me up as well as the kids. Do not worry, I will take good care of them.

As usual, I drove to see you at 12.30pm so I can 'meditate' beside you for 15 mintues before I return to office. I remembered I would never have tears whenever I visited you. But it was not today! I did not know why.. but the feeling of loss suddenly came back and filled up all of myself. I could not help myself but to allow emotional burst to cry in front of you! I thought I had controlled well and started adapting for not having you beside after 3 weeks plus. I thought.. I really thought I could.. but I surrendered again today. After sitting there quietly for 15 minutes, I believed I had regained the emotional control and so I left. But then again, the depression cripped back slowly while I was driving back. The tears again rushed down as I really felt the loneliness. There was a scene played in my mind... You had informed me that the kids said when they grew up, they will likely not staying together with us and I replied, dear never mind, I will be beside you... But the reality tell me now that I will be staying beside you alone and only can consume my life with memories on you. I was driving your car and I almost wanted to let go by clashing and so I could rest and see you. However, my conscious manage to steer me back to reality, making me realized that I still have an incompleted mission.

I knew then I have depression now!

You had been always reminding me to have a studio photo for our family and I remembered promising when we had times. I thought we always had times... Little do I know that we did not. I only manage to retrieve these collection as our best times together with our family. I hate myself for not capturing enough photo with you. But you will be embedded to my life long memory and I have been spending times daily to recall all these memories. I will start blogging our living together beginning since our marriage. These will accompany me forever.

Today is 9/28 and at last I had decided to donate your clothings etc. to charity body. I had not fully packed all of them but still amounted to 6 boxes. All of them carried some forms of memories of us. I had, however reserved some which used to be your favourites. On the way to the charity, I mentioned to Weiyang that some of these kept must be cremated with me when I finally get a ticket to see you after I had accomplished the mission you have specially assigned to me.

I am not throwing all of your belongings but I would like them to be utilized by someone who will have better need. I believed you would agree to me. Although I have psychological and emotionally prepared for the donation but seeing the boxes unloaded to the charity body still made me cried. Along the way to seeing you, the tears flooded again and I still have not adapted the life without you.

I drove alone after sending the kids to drawing class. I had no end in mind where would I drive to. I had two hours break before I would need to pick them up again. Along the driving, I need to have a slight emergency brake... Immediately, I extended my left arm to guard you from the impulse of leaning forward. Only then I realized that I was driving alone and my arm touched only the air... I had been doing this ever since you sitting beside me whenever I am driving! I believed this had been my habit. Do I need to change?

The little one past me this drawing at night. I asked him who are them? His little eyes stared at me and said they are daddy, mommy, WeiYang and himself. On hearing this, I could not hold my tears but to let them overflew... I went on asking him that who is mommy? He said he only has one mommy and she is you, Soo King. I am glad that he did remember you and your name clearly. He included you in the drawing as our family.

Day 21
... Today would really mark exactly 3 weeks since you left us. How fast the time passed! But I still could not really walk out from this yet. Although I could control the emotion better but I am still easily emotionally disturbed. This would be especially true whenever I was alone, either at office or driving alone. I hate this feeling of loneliness. I do, but I would never hate the feeling of missing you and having you flashed to my memory.

After sending the kids to nursery, I drove to locate the neccessaries items for the third 7days of yours. (it would be on 9/23/2008 although I did not understand why as no matter how I calculated tomorrow only your day 19 after which you departed!) The first item I was trying to locate was one of the cakes which always means for praying purpose. However, I had a great difficulty locating these as I did not know normally where would be the seller of these type of cakes. I drove to a few spots of morning market but could spot no sight of them. In my mind, I would always believe that if you were around, you would know where to get them without wasting times and efforts to look around. Finally, I needed to call up a local to find these cakes. At last, I found them in the Bercham market. Next those "burning utensils" could be easily located. I grabbed all of them and drove back to office and the clock already at 10am. I browsed through all the office emails but still could not really focus while my mood was bad. I did not know why but I believed I found myself cumbersome and losing self confidence. I went to see you before the lunch break started and I hope to re-gain some peaces in my mind so I could focus for the 2nd half of the day. Amazingly, a 15-minutes of quiet sitting beside you really had calmed my mind and made me feel much comfortable. I believed I am in need with some one to talk to sharing my feels and thoughts... but I wanted nobody except you! At night, the little one was telling me that he saw you in his dream..I did not know if I could believe what he said but I did really wish you at least have some times to me, please! But in the midnight, I woke up around 3am realizing I have a mission to be accomplished, i.e. to bring up your lovely kids. I will, my dear, I will. This is what I had promised you. I will remember and I will. They will be my princes!

I could not really get back to sleep after 3am. I was virtually waiting the dawn to break so I could pack and visit you at 8am. I called your parents of this third-7day event and they arrived at 7.15am while I was still preparing the kids. Normally, if you know your parents were arriving, you would be always stay at the hall to make sure you would open up the auto gate before they even ring the door bell. I heard the door bell and so I realized you were not here anymore but I would need to "represent" you. Knowing this, I asked WeiYang to open up the auto gate while I get ready all the servings to the car. I brought the laptop together with the servings to the cementery as I wish you could read the blogs and most importantly I wanted to have the song to be played on this event. This was the song I sang to you on the night of our wedding. You would remember this. I am sure you will. I wish you could hear this again. I had encoded the song together with our life journey. It would remain forever on our memories. I cried when the song was playing. This was extremely painful as the song had to be played with me being alive alone now while you could not be at my side to withness and accompany me... I still in denial mode now!

I went to the related department to declare your properties.. and in the process, it induced another great pain to me... I did not know how to answer this... The person in charge (could have been forgotten that I was indeed filing up for you, who are my wife) asked me for an emergency contact. He said everyone must have emergency contact like wife... Only I realized again that I could not have you as my emergency contact. I choked on replies hearing this but I could really located nobody as my emergency contact. I held the tears! I am wondering why I need to be repeatedly reminded that I do not have you, who are my wife at my sides. Why!

(Now and forever, there will be no worry; The story is simple but with you accompany along, it is already the best part of it)

(The happy legend with you and me as a couple is well sufficient for all)

Why it only left me to walk the legend alone!! Why it must be me to walk on the legend alone. Do you know I need you beside me to walk on this legend. Please let me know that you are beside me and we walk on this legend. Soo King, will you!

Today I had filed up and completed the documentation of your properties. I would need to have all of these properties declared and demand for administration which then I can transfer the titles to our sons. It was not an easy filing as whenever I look at the "certificate of deceased", there would be heart pain.

It was also today that I understood that besides miss you, I realized the other reason why I still in this depressed mode. It was because I felt so sorry that you could not see the kids grew up, graduate, marry and settle down. I knew you wanted to see them achieving in their life but you were not there to withness. I felt so upset that you could not share their happiness.

The kids told me that they dreamed of you last night. They claimed seeing you chatting with them. I was so jealous as you still did not want to come to my dream yet.

It was raining outside now at 12.05am and similarly the day you left me forever also raining. At this circumstances, it reminded me I am alone...

It is the second Saturday. I could not sleep late as always I would be awaked at around 8am plus. Both kids are still asleep yet. They are by myside. It is so lonely inside this house. Every corners are filled with memories and items which remind me of you. I do not want to pack all these items as they will remind me of my lovely wife. I find myself with better control emotions now but I still want to have the feel of you around this house. I keep telling myself that you have just gone for a long term course at somewhere so remoted that I cannot contact you yet. You are around somewhere! I would meet you when I had completed the assignment and responsibility you wanted me to accomplish.

Today I washed WeiYang's school shoes for the first time and I remembered you always washing them while you were taking bath. How I know this? It was the white shoes shine residues that left on the tiles of the wash room. I would wash them off every weekend. But I cannot see such residues now! Dear, I cannot control my tears again now!! They just drip from my eyes again.

I also checked the last gmail chat between us... and it was dated back in April 2006 when I was preparing to fly home from US after 5 weeks business trip. I remembered I reached Penang on Sunday. You had picked me up at Penang Airport and we went to the Penang home before I took a bus to Ipoh on next Monday. I could still remember you sent me to the bus terminal at Sg Nibong where I needed to find toilet while you guard the luggages.. and it was really just like yesterday.

Soo King, when will i see you again! When I arrived then, will you pick me up as before...Gosh, I cannot write on further as the tears again flooded my eyes. I miss you..

Last night was the night of your "spiritual return" to home. It was calculated that you would be back home as early as 7pm, (the night not even in dark yet) and it was a sign that you miss home greatly and wanted to visit home as early as it will be possible.

There were dogs howling at after 6.30pm after I burnt the essent stick and lit the candle at front of the house (unfortunately the candle tripped itself and only lit for a while) The family were inside the room as per tradition but I was eager to go downstair to "see" you. But I did not go down as this is against the tradition and may "scare" you away.

At 8.30pm plus, I was on bed, there was a little morph came to my bed and flied for a while and when I tried to touch it, it vanished. Vanished! I could not find a trail of mark if I were "hit" the morph on the bed, but it was no where to be located inside the room. This was so real and I believed it was you. My logical thinking analyzed that it could not be living creature that can vanish by itself at front of my eyes without any meaning. From the bed to the escaping opening windows was at least 10 - 15 feets away, it could not be easily fly off without addition of my spotting. But I could find it nowhere. Either on the bed, at the walls or anyway inside the room. I believed you have come back to see me. I truly believed so.

At sleep, I dream of something really funny as there were rabbits talking to me although I could not remember what are the topics. The rabbits were as talk and as big as human. I had not had dream for these few nights but what was the meaning of this dream? I do not know... but what bother me is how are you now, Soo King? Are you in good shape? Are you still in pain? Are you angry with me for not taking great care to you? I do not have answeres for all these yet.. but ultimately I do miss you like before!

I am still consuming with memories of yours.. Every weekday, you would awake me from sleep at 7am when you are getting ready to school. You always reminded me to wake up and get ready the kids to nursery. Occasionally, the little one will rush down and crying at the door for you to get him a bottle of milk or wanted to pass you the finished milk bottle. He knew when you would be leaving the house for school although he is just 4 years old. I always jealous for this as he will not be so close to me. I believed this would be one of your happiest moments as a mother.

I would commonly receive SMS from you at afternoon whenever there were parcel or delivery notes at home. I would not be receiving such SMS from you again! Every evening, you would have a nicely cooked dinner for me and you cooked the best soup of all. I remembered praising you at front for everyone as you cook well especially for soup. You prepared the soups as early as of 4pm so to get the best favours. I can only dream of the taste and favours now. These soups will forever remain as my memory of you too.

Today will be your virtual return and so I will cook a dish for you. I also remembered you enjoy my prepared dishes(although you would always complain that I spoiled the kitchen with oil and smokes. You also always teased me as of prepared the meals a little bit too salty) I will be the chef normally at weekend and we had this practised while we were in US. I only once or twice monthly preparing dishes for the kids and you when home at Malaysia. Today, I also have my weight measured and I slimmed down 4kg in these two weeks. I guess I can be the diet or slimming coach soon if I continue to lose weight. The dummy has been gone unexpectedly. I eat quite little now and do not take supper or junk food but only fruits. I also want to only take vegetables on every 1st and 15th of the lunar calender month. I want to have healthy diet.

Last night, I dream of feeding you cereal and milo (the last moments with you while you were conscious) and I could see your face clearly. I remembered you taking off the oxygen mask...

Every night before I go to sleep, I placed your frame of photo beside me; in hope if I awaken at midnight I can see your photo which I will mistaken as you are back with me. I even wanted to try having your clothes beside but I do not want to scare Wei Yang on doing so. Wei Yang claimed "seeing" you studying at front the glass table in your favourite red T-shirt. He said you "vanished" on seeing him.. Soo King, why you still have not come to my dream yet and I have so much to express to you.

Today is the eve of mid autumn festival which supposedly meant for family reunion. How do I face this loneliness without having you around? Last year, we had the moon watching session at the car porch, enjoying the chinese teas, lit on candles on floor and lantern...What do I do for all this coming mid autumn festival without you!

I tried to locate our love letters which you had been keeping for 18 years, but I could locate nothing. I also realized that there are numerous items I cannot locate including the honenymoon photo. I did not know how to find all these now but most importantly my life would be messed without you!

Everyone keeps telling me life goes on and I do know about this. I am trying but nobody knows how painful it will be to forget or temporarily forget about you who had been with me for 18 years. Half of my life! How do I forget you who had accompanied me for half of my life! I'd lost interests in all of the activities I used to enjoy before. Soo King, will you come to my dream tonight?

I am still crying now and then thinking back all the memories with Soo King and the suffers she had gone through. I am still terribly missing without Soo King around and accompany. I started to lock myself inside the room and afraid of going out. I afraid of my uncontrolled emotion as the tears can fall out at any times seeing matters which may related to Soo King. I do not know when I can get over these loneliness without Soo King beside me..

I may be the one who cause this unexpected trauma as Soo King did not get a well medication treatment for her heart failure. I could have insisted on best cardiologist and early surgery instead of adhering to the doctor treatment with diurectics, digoxin and warfarin along with several more medication. The fluid accumulation at lung and liver had indeed induced great pains to Soo King and causing her night coughs, back pain and sleepness. I could do nothing to help her releasing these pains except with giving massages at her back. I can only padding on her forehead to give her relief although I knew it did not help much. These were all I could deliver. I would want to massage you and pad on your forehead till you fall asleep; just like what we did when we were at IJN in early August 2008. I will never get tired of doing so to chat with you all night long with old memories.. I knew you enjoyed hearing all these and with me by your side.

I could still feed her with cereal and milo when Soo King was still at CCU at 7.30am. She could still briefly chat with me and repeatedly asked me to get her bean curbs but I had ignored this which appeared as her last request... At 10am, doctor informed me the worst as Soo King could not survive for the next few hours. I dashed into the CCU and Soo King already in artifial respiration aids and in unconscious state. My tears could not be controlled at these moment seeing my dear suffering. There was even little more I could do except holding on her hands and padding on her forehead. I talked quite a lot in front of her but I did not know if Soo King could hear them.

At 2.33pm, it was raining outside the CCU and I was beside Soo King as the last moment had finally arrived. Her heart beats became so irregular and I remembered saying my last words to Soo King in which could be heard. "Soo King, I, your husband is at your side and do not worry as I will take care of the kids" and amazingly, I saw Soo King nodding his head twice before she became unconscious again. She was leaving me forever...